To the ones I love, here’s what I need you to know about my mental illness.

Being diagnosed with major depression and anxiety at such a young age was a lot. It was even more when they attached the labels substance abuse and alcoholism with my name. Please understand, I have a name still, I am your daughter, granddaughter, sister, best friend, cousin, friend, girlfriend. I am still a human being, just with a few faults. A few faults that sometimes decrease my work ethic and concentration for school work.

I love you. My illness just makes it hard to show. Sometimes, I feel so unlovable and I relapse which causes me to distance because I don’t want you to be ashamed of me again. I don’t want you to worry about me and my sickness. So, don’t take my silence in the wrong way; I promise you I can do this, I just need time. I am the only one who can do this and I promise with everything in me I will one day get better. I am just sorry today is not that day, neither is tomorrow.

My anxiety makes it so hard to function. I am not lazy, I am overwhelmed. By what? I don’t know. It’s this feeling I get that makes me dizzy, some bad butterflies, and a headache. My head isn’t clear all the time, it gets so messy in there. So when I cancel my plans, it isn’t because I don’t want to see you, but it’s because I am physically hurting. When you ask me to recall a conversation, it can be difficult because of the ringing in my head while we were talking. Yes, I care about you and our relationship, I need to focus on my relationship with myself. I’m sorry if you cannot understand it, neither can I sometimes. I don’t understand why I don’t just have a “built-in” relationship with myself. But I’m trying. I am trying my best, for you and for everyone else I care about.