An Open Letter To Future Me

Dear Future Me,

Looking into the past, there’s a lot of fucked up shit that happened to you. Momma never made you feel loved, neither did your cousins. Your friends used you and your boyfriend of four years lied to you. You lost the most important person to you, and you’ve been an inpatient at the hospital so many times you can’t count on your fingers anymore. Your brain has been foggy for a lot of your teenage days, and the parts you can remember aren’t that good. Like when Angelina drove into a pole after you both drank too much. Or how your ex told you that you were unlovable. These are the true nights you meant to forget after you smoked so much you couldn’t think straight. I never meant to forget grandma’s cooking and the sleepovers with Jennifer where your stomach hurt because you were laughing too much. That was never my intention, and I am so sorry I took so much of your time away. I am also so sorry for everyone who was supposed to love you, didn’t. You aren’t unlovable though because there are people who love you and there will be many more to come into your life and love you.

So, here I am, nineteen years old, trying again to write a letter to a person whose hopefully better than me. I wrote this when I was twelve years old to fifteen years old me, who later wrote it to eighteen year old me, so it’s only fair I write to twenty-one year old me. I’ve had the same pattern in these letters, get good grades, ask for help when you need it, and go where you feel loved. While that’s really good advice and all, we need to have a deeper talk. The way we were living; was not the way to live. I pray you decide to step away from that lifestyle. Especially since you’re old enough to buy alcohol by yourself, this is the ultimate self-control test. There is no one holding you back from recovery but yourself. I believe in you though, I always have. I think sometimes things get too intense and that you are too impulsive. That’s when everything you’ve learned over the last year comes into place. You were taught your new coping skills, your actions, and your self-control, please get that good grade in sobriety. Maybe picking up that drink or popping those pills will temporarily make you feel better, but we both know what happens afterward.

You will end up on the bathroom floor throwing up, holding your own hair, crying. You’ll end up at the hospital getting your stomach pumped. You will say such hateful things to the ones you love and who love you. It’s so tiring, living like that. Why continue running in circles? That’s why I decided to stop and change, and I hope you’re doing the same still. Going down this path was risky and painful; I had to find a new one, even if I didn’t have a map. So now that I’m on a new path, I’m lost. I know how much you don’t like new things, so the recovery path is sometimes hard. Please understand after you find your way, you can help other’s find their way too. You can maybe inspire one person to do something better and that’s all I want to do. So yes, maybe Momma’s never made you feel loved; but your friends do love you. Erie is no longer here with us, but she’s watching you and supporting you, always. Maybe you remember the bad memories, but I know you can always make good ones. I’m not telling you that you need to forget the bad things, but don’t focus on just that. Do not let your ex let you believe you’re unlovable because you are the most lovable person I know. Keep writing, not just about the bad but about the good too.

You are so caring, lovely, and kind-spirited. You can light up a room just with your smile just as many people tell you as you greet them at work. You write beautiful stories that entertain thousands online, that’s insane to think about. Your personal story has motivated so many people while you were a teenager, think about the greatness your future has. Hopefully, you still love writing, journaling, and poetry. If you don’t though, that’s fine because sometimes we grow out of things and that’s natural. Just please, I beg of you, to not lose your healthy coping mechanisms. Writing has just been working out for the last few years and you’re actually pretty good at it! You’ve inspired so many people including yourself. So I ask of you to go where you feel you belong. Go where you feel happy. Do things that you love.

At this point, you should be so close to starting your career, which is so exciting. This is what we dreamed about for years. So I hope you do get good grades in school, (and are not procrastinating). I hope college has been going well. If not, I hope you’re on the path to finding the right career for you, with or without college. You’re headstrong and determined, two great traits that sometimes your depression takes over. That just means you need to stay strong through it all because you’ve gotten through the worse of your days. 100% of your bad days you have survived, and you keep rising with the sun every day. Every single day is a new day to start over and change what you didn’t like about the last. About your life, the people surrounding you, yourself, your work, your love, whatever is holding you back. You deserve the entire world. You deserve to beat your addictions and live a happy life. Don’t let the people from your past screw that up. Don’t let anyone stop you from living your life, including yourself.